Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
