One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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