this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
