Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
