I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
