Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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