My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Randomize
