guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
