If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
