Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
