I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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