Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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