Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
