you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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