remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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