before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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