I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
