maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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