I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
