Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
