wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
