I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
