He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
do nipples grow back?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
