It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
