i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
