theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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