just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
