dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
