I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
