I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
