Welp...herpes.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
