i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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