The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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