Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
