Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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