I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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