I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
