peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
