just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
