I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize