Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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