So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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