You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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