just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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