Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
