Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Success! We fucked roommates!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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