Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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