somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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