Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
