So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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