My sheets look like a crime scene.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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