Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
