I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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